Diary of a Fat Girl

Diary of a Fat Girl: Day 1 – Exposed

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Weight: 241 lbs.

Here I am; raw and exposed.  I have finally gained the courage to speak the truth of myself.  I have come to grips with the first step of admission, and I am going to say it.  I have a problem!

I am fat.

I do not binge.  I do not purge.  I do not deny myself meals.

I, just like so many other Americans, have succumbed to the indulgent lifestyle that we have all learned to live with.  My meals consist of the larger than normal serving size, because I do not know what the right serving size should be.  My cupboards are stocked with chips, cookies, and instant pudding.  My refrigerator is loaded with bagels, cream cheese, salami, and carrots conveniently located by the ranch dressing.  My freezer is piled up with frozen pizzas, T.V. dinners, and ice cream.

I skip breakfast most days, because I am too tired to wake up early enough to eat it.  I run to the next fast food restaurant during my lunch break because I need to get away from the stress at the office.  I skip any snacking, and if I could no longer stand the growl in my stomach, I quickly down a chocolate bar from the vending machine. 

Then there is dinner.  I rush home and the only thing I want to do is collapse on the couch to relax.  However, the ever present churning in the pit of my belly demands more food.  I cook a large meal to serve a family of four for my husband and me.  Since I am hungry, I devour half the meal.  Then, I make my way to the couch while patting my belly to settle in for a night’s worth of television; only to discover that I am now craving that ice cream in the freezer.

After years of this habit, and being fully aware of the dangers it was doing to my body, did not prepare me for the devastating impact it had on my life.  For that last 15 years, I have been trying to get pregnant.  I tried a couple of fertility treatments without success.  I even managed to become pregnant only to miscarry 4 weeks into my pregnancy. 

It was eight years ago when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  In layman’s term, PCOS is a condition in which a woman’s body is not developing the proper hormonal chemicals for her egg to mature enough to either be released to create the monthly cycle or accept a sperm to create a baby.  Little is know about this condition, but some of the research that had been done discovered a link with diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and obesity.

This year I became fully aware of what I was doing to myself.  Is it possible that fat me is preventing a pregnancy for me?  If I lose the weight, will I be at a normal hormonal level that will encourage a pregnancy or even a better response to the fertility treatments?

I have no idea, but it’s the one thing I haven’t tried, yet.  It is also the one thing that is holding me back.

Three months ago, I decided to change.  Mid-April, I began walking 30 minutes a day for three days a week.  Then my employer started a walking challenge for the month of May, which involved 30 minutes a day for 20 days out of the month.  By June I had lost a total of six pounds, and then my employer offered a discounted membership at the YMCA which I couldn’t refuse.  Soon, I discovered that I was no longer losing weight but gaining some of it back. 

After several weeks of waiting for clearance from my doctor due to my back problems, I finally was able to sign up for Mobile Fit today.  This unique exercise program is via the Internet through the YMCA to help me set my goals and it tells me what I need to do to reach those goals. 

I felt energetic and motivated.  I was excited to start.  My trainer was Dannie.  I was very happy about that.  She encouraged me to do more.  I like that.

When I first saw that sheet of paper with my exercises on it, I thought to myself, That’s it?  Where is the rest of the workout?  How can one cardio and five weight training help me?

Now, I am overjoyed by the limited amount of exercise I had to do.  After a few reps with the arms and 20 minutes on the elliptical, I was exhausted and ready to go home.  This fat girl can no longer move like a 130 pound 18 year-old.

Yet, I somehow feel encouraged. 

My meals will need better planning, though.  I had a yogurt smoothie for breakfast as I drove into work.  After a little resistance, I still ate that small scoop of Snickers ice cream drizzled with hot fudge in the morning to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.  Lunch was a filling chicken salad with spinach and iceberg lettuce, carrots, mushrooms, cheese, tortilla strips and ranch dressing.  Then, dinner was a quick run to McDonald’s for the McDouble Cheeseburger, fries and an iced tea.  Snack time was the Oreo cookies.  I finished off the package.

I tried to resist the ice cream, but felt guilty in not participating in the celebratory activities.  Other dressings are delicious, but I can’t seem to pull myself away from the ranch.  And, what is up with the fast food joint and cookies after a workout?  I couldn’t resist the cheap meal served to me and the urge for chocolate was so strong.  No preparation, no work, just food to fill that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I want to work hard at creating a healthy body for a healthy baby.  Hopefully, one day I’ll get there, but for now, I’m tired.  The bed is calling and for the first time all week, I will be able to get a full 8 hours of sleep.