Diary of a Fat Girl

Diary of a Fat Girl: Day 1 – Exposed

Weight: 241 lbs.

Here I am, raw and exposed. I have finally gained the courage to speak the truth about myself. I have come to grips with the first step of admission, and I will say it. I have a problem!

I am fat.

I do not binge. I do not purge. I do not deny myself meals.

Like many other Americans, I have succumbed to the indulgent lifestyle we have all learned to accept. My meals consist of a larger-than-normal serving size because I do not know what the correct serving size should be. My cupboards are stocked with chips, cookies, and instant pudding. My refrigerator is loaded with bagels, cream cheese, salami, and carrots conveniently located by the ranch dressing. My freezer is piled up with frozen pizzas, T.V. dinners, and ice cream.

I skip breakfast most days because I am too tired to wake up early enough to eat it. I run to the next fast food restaurant during my lunch break because I need to get away from the stress at the office. I skip any snacking, and if I can no longer stand the growl in my stomach, I quickly down a chocolate bar from the vending machine. 

Then there is dinner. I rush home and only want to collapse on the couch to relax. However, the ever-present churning in the pit of my belly demands more food. So, I cook a large meal to serve a family of four for my husband and me. Since I am hungry, I devour half the meal. Then, I make my way to the couch while patting my belly to settle in for a night’s worth of television; only to discover that I am now craving that ice cream in the freezer.

After years of this habit and being fully aware of the dangers it was doing to my body, I had no idea the devastating impact it would have on my life. For the last 15 years, I have been trying to get pregnant. I tried a couple of fertility treatments without success. I even managed to become pregnant, only to miscarry four weeks into my pregnancy. 

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) eight years ago. In lay terms, PCOS is a condition in which a woman’s body is not developing the proper hormonal chemicals for her egg to mature enough to either be released to create the monthly cycle or accept sperm to make a baby. Little is known about this condition, but some research discovered a link with diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and obesity.

This year I became fully aware of what I was doing to myself. Is it possible that fat me is preventing pregnancy for me? If I lose weight, will I be at a normal hormonal level that will encourage a pregnancy or an even better response to fertility treatments?

I have no idea, but it’s the one thing I haven’t tried yet. But, unfortunately, it is also the one thing that is holding me back.

Three months ago, I decided to change. Mid-April, I began walking 30 minutes daily for three days a week. Then my employer started a walking challenge for the month of May, which involved 30 minutes a day for 20 days out of the month. By June, I had lost six pounds, and then my employer offered a discounted membership at the YMCA, which I couldn’t refuse. Soon, I discovered that I was no longer losing weight but gaining some of it back. 

After several weeks of waiting for clearance from my doctor due to my back problems, I finally signed up for Mobile Fit today. This unique exercise program is via the Internet through the YMCA to help me set my goals and tells me what I need to do to reach those goals. 

I felt energetic and motivated. I was excited to start. My trainer was Dannie. She encouraged me to do more. I like that.

When I first saw that sheet of paper with my exercises, I thought, That’s it? Where is the rest of the workout? How can one cardio and five weight training help me?

Now, I feel overjoyed by the little exercise I had to do. After a few reps with the arms and 20 minutes on the elliptical, I was exhausted and ready to go home. This fat girl can no longer move like a 130-pound 18-year-old.

Yet, I somehow feel encouraged. 

My meals will need better planning, though. I had a yogurt smoothie for breakfast as I drove to work. Then, after a bit of resistance, I still ate that small scoop of Snickers ice cream drizzled with hot fudge in the morning to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday. Lunch was a filling chicken salad with spinach, iceberg lettuce, carrots, mushrooms, cheese, tortilla strips, and ranch dressing. Then, dinner was a quick run to McDonald’s for the McDouble Cheeseburger, fries, and an iced tea. Snack time was the Oreo cookies. I finished off the package.

I tried to resist the ice cream but felt guilty for not participating in the celebratory activities. Other dressings are delicious, but I can’t seem to pull myself away from the ranch. And what is up with the fast food joint and cookies after a workout? I couldn’t resist the cheap meal served, and the urge for chocolate was so strong. There was no preparation, no work, just food to fill that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I want to work hard at creating a healthy body for a healthy baby. Hopefully, one day, I’ll get there. But for now, I’m tired. The bed is calling, and for the first time all week, I will be able to get a full 8 hours of sleep.