Diary of a Fat Girl – Day 39
Weight: 236 lbs.
“Pass me by and laugh at me, tell me I have no will power… Just makes me work that much harder! Thank you.” – Katrena Doughty
Will power: the will to accomplish something and the power to do it. Many of us have the desire to accomplish the goals we set out for ourselves; some lack the initiative to obtain these goals, and few will succeed in their endeavors.
What makes us different from each other in achieving the same desired goal?
My first day at my new job was a learning experience for me and my newfound co-workers. As I strained to keep my eyes open and my ears tuned in during the orientation, my thoughts wandered to what my co-workers would be like.
Would they be someone I could relate to and speak easily about everyday adventures? Would I be able to make any friends? Are the personalities so unique that I would find difficulty coping with them? Or would I just end up making enemies; having to watch my back due to unnecessary office gossip?
The one question that never entered my mind, nor did I even consider the consequences of the answer, was the will power among my fellow coworkers.
I quickly learned that one of my coworkers is an exercise feign. She will exercise during her 30 minute break and take long walks with her husband over jetties along the shoreline outside her home. At one point, she became my exercise partner for a Pilates class during our lunch hour. Her amazing strength is found in her consistency to exercise.
However, unhealthy eating is encouraged by the many events that take place. This organization that I work for has chapters that organize events to help raise money for charitable causes. Most of these events involve large quantities of food that lack nutritional value. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to just donate the money so I could avoid the enriched flours, meat, and high caloric intake.
Then, there are the generous co-workers from various departments. My department is in the basement level of the building. The numerous windows that flank the south side of this building can deceive one into thinking that they are on the ground floor. Since we are the mail room for the entire building, we have a niche in the wall that mail can be dropped into from the first and second floors. This noisy little niche is directly across from my desk. On any given afternoon, we would be quietly and diligently working on our respective projects when a heavy letter would slam to the bottom of this shoot, scaring me witless.
When our coworkers are in a generous spirit, they find these quiet times to be opportunistic for a sweet delight.
It’s not a candy bar or a bag a Twizzlers they would send down.
Or a bag of chocolate covered peanuts.
Ping…Ping…Ping… Ping, ping, ping, ping.
Instead, they send down an entire bag of miniature chocolates; one miniature chocolate at a time until nearly half the bag has been emptied, and they would release the entire bag as I watch candy pop up out of the shoot and dance to the floor.
My first day of work included chocolate bars dropped down this shoot. I handed one to my supervisor, the other to my co-worker, and placed mine in my top desk drawer. My co-worker didn’t want to see her chocolate because she lacked the will power to save it for later. She stated that she would eat it all in one sitting. My supervisor said that she was on a diet and shouldn’t be eating hers as well. I informed both ladies that I would keep the candy in my desk drawer for safe keeping, and to inform me when they were ready for their chocolates.
“How can you do that?” My supervisor asked.
“Do what?” I asked oblivious to the meaning of her question.
“You must have amazing will power,” my co-worker said, as my supervisor ate half of her candy bar.
I did have incredible will power, but only at work.
Why is it that I can have a desk full of chocolate at work and not eat a single piece for weeks, but the moment I pull my car out of the parking lot I loose all control?
I have no answer for that. I just know that I am strong at work but weak at home.
Is it because I’m bored when I get home? Are they acting as comfort foods to alleviate any stress of the work day? If so, then why did I splurge on two double chocolate chip cookies today when work was not stressful at all?
Tapping into my own will power seems to be a struggle at times. It doesn’t come easy to me as others may see it. I fight with myself often, even at work. While filing another file away, I think of that little tiny treasure calling out to me from my desk drawer, or the vending machine screaming at me from across the lounge on my lunch break. Often times, I take my lunch break outside of the building to escape the glare of the brightly lit “fat” trap.
One of the chapters has another luncheon coming up. It’s all about Italy; which is my favorite foods. However, my newly declared vegetarianism has discovered that salad is the only available choice of food for me on this menu. The thought of the dessert table will also make me want to high tail it out of there. Since the last luncheon was an all-you-can-eat salad and dessert, I managed to hold off of the dessert for awhile, but then I caved; justifying that the zucchini cake was actually good for me.
How can I sustain my will power in such circumstances? Do I sacrifice socialization with my coworkers for state of being healthy?
No, I couldn’t possibly do that! It’s just rude. But, then, how will I manage another luncheon when my downfall will be staring me in the eye as another forkful of double chocolate cake enters the mouths of others around me?
The strength to say no, the desire to sit still and avoid getting that piece of cake takes a lot of energy.
What if I focus on my goals? How can I associate sugary sweets with goals?
Somehow, I need to concentrate on my goal every time I see the next ice cream sundae, carrot cake, or peanut butter cups. I need to remind myself of all the extra hard work I have to put into the gym just to shed the calories that I would consume by eating that piece of cake. Especially since it takes me one week to lose only one pound and I would have to walk at a vigorous pace on the treadmill for a full hour just to burn off the calories of that delectable dessert; and that would be in addition to my normal one hour routine at the gym.
Oh, that sucks!
My goal is to become pregnant. To reach that goal, I need to lose at least 100 pounds to achieve a healthy weight. To lose 100 pounds in a year, I need to lose 1-2 pounds per week. To lose the weight, I need to exercise and eat healthy. Healthy eating and lack of sugar in my diet may help to reverse my PCOS symptoms so that I may be able to conceive on my own.
Then why do I sabotage the one thing I want most out of this entire world? Why can I not consider the child I desire when I shovel that cookie into my mouth? What makes this cookie more important than that of a healthy, happy, bundle of joy wrapped up in my arms?
The method to my madness for losing weight will result in becoming pregnant and ultimately carrying a healthy child to delivery. As I hold my sister’s baby come November, I hope it will further strengthen my will power to carry me through the holidays. Currently, I have a baby shower to plan, a vegetarian camping trip to attend, and I need to create some crafty maneuvers around the unhealthy foods while enjoying my co-workers’ company. The chocolates remain in my desk drawer untouched; a symbol of the will power that I have within me, and a beacon of hope that I will be able to carryover the will power into my personal life.