Diary of a Fat Girl

Grieve, Recover, and Move On!

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Diary of a Fat Girl – Day 86

Weight:  230 lbs.

It’s official.  I have joined the ranks of the unemployed.  As much as I would like to rant about it, that won’t help me get my job back.  I have suffered through the worry about how I will support my family without the additional income, and the grieving over the loss of my feministic independent lifestyle.  I have worked for a long time; sometimes two or three jobs at a time or attending college full-time while maintaining a full-time job.  Some might consider me a work-a-holic, while I call it a strong work ethic.

My career-focused self has revealed a lot of free time, and I have no idea how to fill it.

The first week out of working in the real world, I was swimming through the motions.  Enjoying my freedom, yet, feeling antsy; as if I was missing something.

The second week was my recovery week, and now it was a time to move on and cut the cord.  I would not allow myself to waste my days on fleeting thoughts of “what if.”  However, I must focus on me, now.  This would also be the week that I suffered a nasty sinus infection.  Sleep.  Rest.  Plenty of fluids.  I pampered myself back to a healthier me.

Week three was the start of the new me.  After spending time with a friend, I discovered that I was given the gift of time; something that I have been asking from the universe for a long while.   I now have more time to exercise, meditate, hike in the woods, write, work on my crafts, spend it with friends and family, and help my husband with his massage business.

What a wonderful gift that I have been blessed with!

Lately, the fall foliage has been so beautiful with its rich undertones of oranges, reds, and yellows and the weather perfectly warm with puffy white clouds in a bright blue sky that I have been taking strolls in the woods behind our home, or hiking at the Pine River Nature Trails.  I dress in warm comfortable clothes, dig out my yoga mat and find a cozy spot to sit and be still. 

I listen to the leaves rustle in the trees as each one slowly makes its descent to the earth; the crisp sound of leaf falling upon leaf on the forest floor.  I hear twigs snap as an animal meanders in the distance.  Maybe it was a coyote, a deer, or a wild turkey.  I listen to the birds chirp and sing while they rest before their long flight for the winter.  The smell of the rich earth as the dew dampens the soil hastening the life cycle of decaying leaves fill my lungs as I breathe in.  I watch as a once rushing river has become a lazy stream and trickles over the rock bed below.

I sit and meditate on the sounds of this glorious planet that we live on.  I release all of my worries.  I no longer think of the routine I once had with my employment, or obsess about my weight and exercise program.  I find peace at being childless and find joy in my stepdaughters and nephews.  I know that I may never have a child of my own, but I also know that I cannot continue to live the obese lifestyle.  I know that there are people who love me and still need me. 

To shorten my life on this glorious planet for the sake of another candy bar would be like stealing from the beloved children who adore me.   Being at peace with my barren womb does not mean I should give up healthy living.  Being without a consistant job does not give me permission to destroy my life over a bag of chips.

I grieved, I recovered, and now I must move on!

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is about two weeks away.  Though I have yet to finish my first novel, I have another one in the making.  I am working diligently each day preparing my characters and my outline to begin the writing process on November 1st for my second novel.  Now that time is on my side, I foresee a fun month ahead of me.

 I still hold out hope that one day my novel will take off and I can officially add author to my resume.  Then again, if it is not my destiny, I hope that I would be working in my field, once more.