Diary of a Fat Girl

Pick Yourself Up And Try Again!

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Day 174

Weight:  238 lbs.

Yes, I did it.  I gained half the weight that I had worked so hard to lose.  In my notion of finding peace with infertility, I found myself slipping back to the old ways.  I had declared that I would continue to eat healthy, and I have failed, miserably.  I even ate meat!

Was it the holidays to blame or my own lack of self-control?  Or was it my lack of a routine?

Whatever the answer may be, I am still fat and nowhere near the goal I had set out for myself.  As I reflect on what has occurred, I realize that not all hope is lost.  After all, I made a valiant effort to avoid meat during the holiday dinners and had smaller portions than I did in the past.  However, the sugary sweets were calling out to me and became my mortal enemy. 

Who could avoid the Chocolate Mousse Pie, Oatmeal Scotchies, and the deliciousness of a frozen strawberry whipped dessert?  Certainly, not I!

The chocolate candies that overflowed my stocking on Christmas morning beckoned me to eat more, while the egg nog hovered around my thoughts as I planned another large cup with dinner.  I diligently said “no” to meat until our household ordered pizza with pepperoni.  Ahhh, pizza!

As far as exercising was concerned, forget it!  Who needs to exercise when you have an adorable newborn nephew to visit, and two beautiful step-daughters to shop with? 

Evidently, I do.  If I had just exercised, it could have counter-balanced all of those sweets.  Maybe, I wouldn’t have gained so much weight.  Who am I kidding?  Of course, I would still have gained weight.  It may not have been much but a weight gain, none the less.

Now that I have admitted to this little problem of mine, what am I going to do about it?

I’ll tell you what I will do about it.  I will start a routine.  After I wake in the morning, I will have my breakfast, exercise, shower, and write.  Everyday, this will be my routine.  Well, at least every week day, because, after all, even my body needs a break.

The routine started today.  I was so out of shape that I didn’t want to overdo it, and I started with some floor exercises for my resistance training.  I included crunches, squats, sit-ups and even butt clenches.  My husband has agreed that we should start walking, again.  So, after he returns from school tonight, we will take a brisk walk on this snowy evening for my cardio.

Since I have been scaling back on my meat intake, I have noticed that my cycle has been more regulated; an accomplishment for this PCOS girl.  This makes me even more determined to avoid the hormone injected substance.  I still can’t seem to resist that pepperoni on my pizza, though!

As for my sugar intake, I am in a full downward spiral of a sugar addict.  As I type, I am sucking on some hard candy.  I apparently ate so much of it over the holidays that I cannot seem to have a meal without sugar to accompany it.  If I quit cold turkey, I get headaches for the lack of caffeine from the amount of chocolate that I ate.  As my loving husband discovered after I promised him a night of intimacy that turned into an evening of me thrashing and moaning in bed for all the wrong reasons.  So, I have to slowly wean myself off of this hazard. 

I have a large chocolate bar, worth a trillion dollars, that I haven’t opened, yet.  Yes, the wrapper literally says $1,000,000,000,000.  It’s worth that much because it’s the bar that I’m going to use to wean me off of my sugar addiction.  If I eat it all in one sitting, then I will no longer have any sugar in the house, and I have to endure the migraines from quitting abruptly; something that I am not looking forward to.  Thus, a small piece after lunch or dinner to curb the cravings and lead me into sugarless blissfulness is all I need to wean myself off of my sugar addiction. 

It is so easy to fall into this trap, and that much harder to dig myself out of it.  However, I am committed to a healthier me, and today I took the first steps to getting myself back on track.  It will continue to be a challenge when I pry myself off of the cozy and warm couch as I don my jacket for the cold walk this evening, but the outcome will be worth it.  Losing weight has proven to be worth the torment of exercise.  After all, when I had lost the 22 pounds, my body felt great, and prior to that, it hadn’t felt better since I was a kid.  Now, I am suffering with the back pains, again.  I’m tired of being in pain and barely able to move on some days.  I have had enough, and it’s time to get this fat butt back into gear!