Diary of a Fat Girl

What Do I Do Now?

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248 lbs. 

I had the full intention of doing the extreme weight loss for myself.  I created charts, a database, and an exercise program for both my husband and me.  It was the ultimate fail.  I’m not sure if it was because of bad timing or if we seriously needed a trainer to keep us on our toes.  In the meantime, I have gained more weight and my husband has lost more pounds.  He makes me sick!

What do I do now?

I am not sure, anymore.  I still desire to have kids, but I’m tired of thinking about my weight all the time.  I’m tired of reading the labels and thinking healthy.  In fact, I’m just plan tired. 

My husband and I are at a loss for the explanation of my exhaustion.  I would like to blame it on being overwhelmed, but that’s not the case.  With no healthcare and no extra funds to see the doctor, I might have to swallow my pride and march my way to the free clinic. 


I could start taking my own advice and continue to exercise, eat healthy, and reduce that sugar intake.  I have noticed that the more I stay away from sugar, the more energetic I feel.  However, the moment I pop a candy bar in my mouth twenty minutes later I am about ready to pass out from exhaustion.

My glucose levels are off.  I am aware of this and this fact alone has given me great pause before I inhale another large bowl of ice cream.  Am I able to go sugar-free?  Is it possible for one to obtain a sugar-free lifestyle?

Yes and yes!

I am reminded of a friend of mine.  We had a gift exchange among some of our colleagues during our lunch hour for the holiday season.  We eagerly unwrapped our gifts, but was quickly silented as we watched in awe of my friend as she discovered her present. 

She was given a box of chocolates.  She had delicately opened the wrapper, slowly placed the lid aside, and savored a tiny piece of this expensive treat.  Then, she placed the rest of the uneaten chocolate back into the box to save for later.  One tiny nibble was all she had! 

We were a bit perplexed by this behavior.  When confronted, she explained that candies and sweets were not allowed in her home while she was growing up.  It was many years before she had her first bite into something as delicious as chocolate.  Because of this, she doesn’t crave the sweets like everyone else.  Instead, she had learned to savor it by allowing the candy to linger on her tongue; giving her the ultimate sensation of pleasure.

Savoring sweets?  It was a new concept to me.  I have always heard of this but never really knew what it meant.  Not until I tried those Heavenly Delights last year; the ones sweetened with raw honey.  I learned how to savor those, and maybe that is precisely what I need now for those sugar cravings that seem to attack out of nowhere.

My step-father is a diabetic and he religiously avoids sweets that are not sugar-free.  I have offered on many occasions (yes, shame on me!) a sugar cookie or two, and he holds firm to his faith in the sugar-free lifestyle.

Am I ever going to lose more than thirty pounds at a time?  Will I ever become pregnant?  Will I be able to overcome this sugar addiction?

I really don’t know.  However, I do know my body and I have come to learn to listen to my body.  Right now, she says that she is tired and needs more energy.  She is telling me the sugar is causing this drain on my energy, and my mind says that the sugar feeds those pesky fat cells that “stick” around. 

I may never lose this weight and I may never be able to share the joys in motherhood with the birth of my own child, but I am determined to eat healthy as much as I can every day.  Today, this is my greatest accomplishment.  

I am quite proud of myself that I continue to read labels and am cautious as to what I feed myself.  Maybe one day, I will finally overcome my sugar addiction, and maybe one day I will no longer desire those delectable little treats.  For now, avoiding the sugar is my top priority.  After all, I am tired of being tired!