“On not banking on future happiness – Be not content with future happiness. It has no meaning, and is not your just reward. For you have cause for freedom now.” – Meditations From A Course In Miracles
It has always been with me; banking on future happiness. It seems that since I was a child:
If Mommy leaves Daddy, then we will be happy.
If I graduate from high school and live on my own then I will be happy.
If I marry and have children then I will be happy.
If I live alone then I will be happy.
If I get a full-time job then I will be happy.
If my husband could get a well paying job then we will be happy.
If I can get pregnant then I will be happy.
Truth is I am never really happy. I rely on my future happiness based on outcomes that I cannot control, and when the end result comes to pass, I find myself more miserable then I was before.
These naïve thoughts started in my childhood and continued to perpetuate itself into a full blown cycle of committing my happiness to my future only to be disappointed or to discover that I was still miserable. These continue to grow, hindering my efforts for true happiness; leaving me shackled and bound to my own miserable existence.
Imagine being at peace, living in the moment and finding true happiness. Chains would not hold me back from this luxurious freedom. So, why then, do I feel like a heavy weight keeps dragging me down?
It’s because without this vision of future happiness, I lose my strength and will to survive the tragedies that had occurred in my life. Banking on my future happiness has kept me alive and breathing; willing to wake up the next morning to greet the sun. This is where I have pooled my strength from, day after day, for the last 30 some odd years of my life.
Where would I pull my strength from now, especially when things look so dismal?
I am not sure, and this is why I am on this path; to learn and find a new place to draw strength from; a place that will end the perpetual cycle of banking on future happiness. No doubt that I will continue to thrive on my future happiness, but I can take steps to assure that I don’t rely on it as much anymore. Taking each day, moment by moment and enjoying the freedom from all cares and worries; a reminder for each day. To be free!