Blessings in My Glass

“It is easy to take what you have for granted and be chronically dissatisfied.  Focusing on what blessings you have can transform your mind and your life.”  – The Meditation Bible by Madonna Gauding

After thumbing through this book, I have decided that working with it in chronological order is not the way the universe works. We live in a chaotic world where things change at any given moment. Sometimes, our world is flipped upside down, and sometimes the change is for the better. Nevertheless, we roll with the punches and continue to forge ahead.

By contemplating my life, I can decide which meditation better suits my current experiences and focus on the here and now. Today, I chose a meditation from the Living Mindfully section, Glass Half-Full. In this meditation, I needed to create a list to help increase awareness of the blessings that I do have in my life.

The first list was everything I wanted that I don’t have:

A Victorian home with a large wrap-around porch and a luxurious Master Suite that includes a fireplace, a spa bathroom, and a huge walk-in closet

A new car (I am not picky, as long as it has never been driven before and has good gas mileage on it)

Wealth

A baby

My father to be the father that I have always dreamed of 

Then, I had to create the second list, which was the ten things that I am grateful for:

1. My husband
2. A roof over our heads to keep us warm on cold winter nights, dry on rainy days, and shelter us from the scorching sun of summer
3. A vehicle that works and gets us from point A to point B
4. The money that meets our basic needs
5. My feline companionships
6. Friends who are constant support amidst joys and trials
7. Being able to breathe and live
8. My nephews have stolen my heart since the day they were born
9. My beautiful step-daughters for their unyielding love and their reminders that they still need me every day
10. My stepfather for “stepping in” and being a father to me

Within meditation, I had to think hard about the things I wanted when all I could think of were the things I am grateful for. It was a strange phenomenon! I have become accustomed to wanting things I could not afford. When faced with a question like, “What do you want for your birthday?” My mind draws a blank. I am at a loss to think of any materialistic thing. That would explain my very short list above. I was amazed by the immediate thoughts of something I was grateful for as I completed my want list. It was as if I could not complete my want list fast enough so that I could move on to my grateful list! 

There are two things on that list, however, that I know I may never have. First, my PCOS makes it nearly impossible for me to have a baby without expensive fertility treatments; in this case, we use the money to pay for our basic needs. I know I am at peace with it, but it does not eliminate the ache inside my heart each day. I realize that I may never see this dream, but I also know that I have two step-daughters who think of me as “Mom” and need me more now than they have ever needed me in the past.

These two girls have endured so much pain and heartache in their young lives that I am saddened every time I think about it. My husband is to obtain full custody of his daughters on August 1st, and I will become a full-time stepmom. They may not be daughters of my own body, but they are surely daughters of my heart. They bring out in me the openness of trust, love, patience, and understanding. I know that I can never replace their mom, but I can be the mom they need right now.

The other thing on my want list that I know I may never have is in regards to my father. My father was never really my father. He was just a man who provided the product to impregnate my mother. As far as the rest of my life was concerned, he wasn’t there. He tried on a couple of occasions, but too much abuse and too many broken promises can shatter a kid’s heart beyond repair. I spent years wanting to believe that he could be good. I was nearly 30 when I finally learned to move on without him in my life.

Having my father to be my dad has always been and always will remain on my want list. I know he will never be that man. However, my heart still aches for that dream, especially when I witness my friends interact with their fathers or my husband caring for his daughters. Whenever those thoughts creep up, I remind myself of the father who has been there to help guide and protect me, share jokes, laugh at my jokes, and walk me down the aisle at my wedding. That man is my stepfather. I know I don’t say it much, but I love him, and I am glad that he married my mother.

I may want the impossible, but I am grateful for what I do have.