I am certain by now that you have noticed my silence. There were many things that I wanted to write about, but all of which required me to pen this letter to you, my dearest readers. I must admit that guilt kept me from writing you. I started this blog as a journey through my life to lose weight and obtain a healthy pregnancy. During my time, I found a community of those who suffered with the struggles of infertility as I had. It was as if I finally found my family of support. However, what happens to that support when a member can no longer share a common bond due to God’s precious gift?
Nothing. The support remains the same. It is me who has changed.
In March of 2016, there was a strong desire to change everything in my life. I was to revamp my blog, create a website for my five book series that I was in the middle of working on, arrange photography and videography to promote my books, and I was headed towards the path of finally reaching out to agents for publication (I even had a list of my top five agents I wanted to reach out to). All of this seems foreign to me now as was the chilly day of my writer’s retreat when that little blue line on the pregnancy test turned positive.
I couldn’t tell you how shocked we were. I was in complete denial until a week later when we were sitting in my doctors office discussing our family histories with the nurse. I even stopped her interrogation to ask what my test results were, and she reassured me with a bob of her head and a wide grin. Since we all knew that I was high risk, adding my age into the mix caused all sorts of new concerns. I was to take it easy. This was fine by me since nausea and exhaustion pretty much ruled my days.
As each week passed, and we made it beyond the first trimester, my denial was replaced with an overwhelming sense of peace. Nothing in this world could have burst my bubble of happiness. I knew that no matter what would happen, everything would work out just fine.
I didn’t make it to the third trimester. Due to a placental abruption, my son, Wyatt, was born at the 28th gestational week; the last week for lung development. He spent a challenging 53 days in NICU. Between a broken clavicle, respiratory distress, brain bleeds, and anemia that little boy was a courageous fighter.
Today, he is 16 months old and in the throws of the flu bug. I worry about him feeling sick. However, as I glance up at his NICU pictures hanging on his bedroom wall, I’m reminded that my little boy is in God’s hands. He is strong enough to get through this, too.
Our family has experienced the greatest miracle that God could have possibly given us. We have learned many lessons through this journey, and I imagine that we will be learning many more. Wyatt is truly a blessing to us, and we believe his life has a purpose here.
For my community of support, I know your pain and it will never be forgotten. I have one big gigantic hug for you. There is nothing more that I can say to you that you haven’t already heard. Just know that as your tears silently wet your pillow at night, God hears you and is holding on to you tighter than ever before. Each of us have our purpose in life. If you are childless, pursue your dreams. Find your passion and fill that void with something else you love. It will not take the pain away, but it will give you purpose and something to be excited about.
As for this blog, now is the time to change. Everything will be archived for new readers, or even those who wish to pull inspiration through my past experiences, but I have a new vision and a new look coming soon. Please be patient with me as I adjust into the toddler years, and I learn how to balance motherhood with writing. God gave me the passion and drive for these two gifts, and it is my job to take care of each of them. Albeit one may be more time-consuming over the other, in time the balance will come.
In closing, please use the lessons that I have learned. Find your passion and pursue your dreams. Hold your family close. Release all emotions, and remember that nothing is more important in this world than the family that God has already given to you. And, above all else release your pain, worries, frustrations, and anger to God. He’s waiting for you.